The Complete Guide To The Biggest Moment Of Your Life

2012 is full swing, and sure as most people’s newly acquired gym memberships will go unused, many men begin the new year looking for love (some only in questionable places). To those of you looking to meet someone whose areas you’d like to touch, I recommend boning up on things like self-confidence, small talk, proper grooming, and maximum non-lethal chloroform dosages.

Some of us are lucky enough to have found that special someone, and maybe you’re thinking about throwing yourself a stand-up funeral in the near future.

Do we actually want to get married?

When a lot of guys think about proposing, they immediately jump ahead to thoughts of location, jumping out of a cake with the ring attached to their wang, etc. This is a mistake. Before you do anything else, have the two of you ever talked of marriage? I’m not saying it’s a requirement, but it’s a good indication of her intentions. If it’s something you guys have talked about recently in a positive way, you’re probably in the clear. Otherwise, consider your ages and how long you’ve been dating. If you’re out of college and she’s put up with you for three or more years and things are still going well, odds are she’s in it for the long haul.

Asking her Father

This is an old convention that a lot of people think is passé. A lot of people are also assholes. These days, it’s not so much a matter of getting his permission as it is an act of courtesy. It shows that you have the balls and sense of honor necessary to do right by his daughter. To add in my two cents, I recommend asking both parents if they’re both still in the picture. Again, it’s about courtesy, and there’s no reason her mother shouldn’t be privy to your intentions as well. I also don’t think it should be any grander an overture than it needs to be. A safe bet is to pull them aside in a quiet setting and simply say, “Bob, Judith, you know how much I love Gertrude. I’ve decided that I want to marry her.” Then wait. By all means, if her parents are more stuffy and traditional, then treat the occasion with the appropriate level of formality. Be sure to do this before purchasing a ring. If they react as though you told them you’re trying to convince their daughter to star in bestiality porn, at least you won’t be out any money.

Dowry

OK, this isn’t really a thing in North America anymore, but it never hurts to ask. What you can get out of her parents can have a big impact on how nice of a ring you can buy. I recommend asking for livestock and/or land, but as with last-minute gifts, cash is always king.

The Ring

If you’re the type of couple who would prefer to do the ring shopping together, then you already know that. And that’s… fine. For the rest of us, this is probably our single biggest task before standing at the altar and saying, “I’m sorry, but I just can’t.” Like it or not, this is your baby. This is when you look at rings, find one that you think represents her, her tastes and how you two feel about each other, and pull the trigger. Heard about guys buying or borrowing “placeholder rings” that they can use to propose before taking their new fiancée to a jewelry store to pick out what she really wants, and that’s stupid. Once you’re engaged, you want her to look down at her ring and think, “Wow, he got this for me,” not “that was really thoughtful of him to include me in the purchasing process”.

Just because this is your job to do alone doesn’t mean you have to go into it totally without intel. If you’ve talked about marriage, she’s probably talked about what kind of ring she sees herself in. Likewise, this is a perfect time to capitalize on your failure to avoid her female friends. There’s a good chance a close friend knows what she wants and likes, and she’d probably be happy to be in on the surprise. Her mother probably knows her ring size, and if not, a good trick is to purchase her some kind of fun costume/accessory ring as an excuse to ask her for her ring size. This worked wonders for me.

The last thing is how much ring to buy and how much to spend on it. In terms of size, carat weight is not the most important. Of the four C’s (cut, color, carat, and clarity), cut is the most important one. Cut refers not only to the shape of the diamond (round, princess and emerald are popular cuts), but the quality of the finished stone. An excellent cut makes a diamond sparkle and makes a smaller stone seem larger. Poor cuts do just the opposite. Most guys automatically want to get the biggest rock they can afford, but the problem is diamond prices increase exponentially with the size of the solitaire. Given that everyone has a finite budget, it’s a mathematical inevitability that if you max out your budget on carat weight, you will suffer in other areas. Use your money to find a balance with an emphasis on cut. If you insist on really icing her out, consider adding carat weight in the form of smaller diamonds, either next to the solitaire or lining the band. A half carat’s worth of tiny diamonds costs a lot less than a single stone of equal weight.

It’s well documented that the idea of spending two months’ salary on a ring was perpetuated by none other than the diamond industry. Sure, some guys (read: probably) make more money, but get a rough idea what rings cost, and some of them are staggering. Maybe they could afford it, but more than likely, they went into debt. Because as men we’re wired to believe that more is better. Plus, a bigger ring serves as a status symbol for both us and out fiancées. That said, it’s not worth considering borrowing the cost of a BMW for one ring. When she looks at it years from now, it should remind her of when the two of you were young, in love and just starting out. It will serve as a reminder of your humble beginnings together no matter how well you end up doing in life. Get your ducks in a row, save as much as you can for as long as you can and pay cash. It will mean that much more to her that you scrapped and saved to buy her something you could afford. If on the off chance it doesn’t, she’s a gold-digging whore, and you should probably ditch her anyway.

Location, location, location

People sometimes make a big fuss about the location, and that’s not necessary. It simply needs to be done at a place of mutual significance to the both of you. A first-date location, a spot in her hometown, etc. Anything goes, really. Just make sure the location and the events that transpire mesh with who you are as a couple. If you’re the mushy-gushy types, then maybe the classic ring-in-the-champagne-glass-at-a-fancy-dinner thing is perfect for you. If the two of you met at or live to attend sporting events, the Jumbotron might be something she’d really enjoy.

A subset of the location is the fanfare that accompanies the proposal, and this is where you need to be considerate of your fiancée’s personality. Would she appreciate a bunch of friends jumping out and surprising her while someone videotapes it? Would she be uncomfortable with a lot of immediate attention? This is a guide, not an instruction manual.

Just be yourself (or rather a more nervous version of yourself).

Prologue

Assuming things go smoothly, prepare for the aftermath. Everyone will want to know how you did it, where you did it, etc. You’ll probably want to call friends and family as she does the same. You might have to get the ring resized, because odds are when you got her ring sized, it was for her right hand. Most of all, enjoy it. Soak it in. Sooner rather than later, you’ll be mired in guest lists and registries, and surprisingly it’s “not appropriate” to register for an 80” 3D LCD television.

Who knew?

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